Emailings.... of the extraordinary sort...

Just to give you an idea of the kind of relationships I have with crazy people I call my friends –

Me and some of the girls are arranging to go out this evening to catch up and generally bitch and gossip about those that do not attend… you know how us women do… and me and Donna are in the middle of emailing each other to make the final arrangements… here is our exchange thus far….

From: Katy
To: Donna
Cc:
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 2009 09:55:04 +0100
Subject:

Blud!

Truesay badman that tonight we is gonna be shoobsing it up in my work ends get me? But cuzzy wuzzy, mans is wondering what time you man plan on reaching ends get me? Cause fam, mans has bought my garms to work so mans can look fresh to death for real. So what you saying fam? Holla at mans.

Big up your chest. Hold it tight. One.

X


From: Donna
Sent: 13 August 2009 10:02
To:Subject: re:

Yo Blud!!! Mans is gonna get to you just gone 6pm. What garms you got? (you can tell you have a younger sister) lol. I am so outta touch with this lingo!! What am I gonna be like when Im 60? lol.

Im wearing a white shirt and black trousers and look a bit worky - that ok? I'm very excited about seeing you and having delicious cocktails.

I'm gonna get to south wimbledon and walk up to cocktail bar. xxxxxxxxx

From: Katy
To: Donna
Cc:
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 2009 10:13:00 +0100
Subject: RE:

Yes fam a lam…. Mans has just gone cazh you get me? Just some jeans and a black top but mans will be looking choong ting tho cuz. And blud, I thought that truesay we did say we would start in Suburban get me? For some of those cocktails mans was buying out the bar with on Tuesday? Skeen? Then reach cocktail bar later when the 2 for 1 runs dry in Suburban get me? What you saying fam? Is it popping off?

(And this isn’t really from my sister… it’s from Claire’s nincompoop boyfriend and his batty friend Tyrone… this is how we have to speak when man’s house is ghetto’d out… get me?)

X



From: Donna
Sent: 13 August 2009 10:41
To: Katy Subject: re[2]:

haha well you need to stop seeing Tyrone - get me? lol. Where is Surburban? xxxx



From: Katy
To: Donna
Cc:
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 2009 10:46:03 +0100
Subject: RE: re[2]:

Its opposite Edwards… you have to come try one of these drinks with me! They are like little cups of sunshine… mmmmm x



From: Donna
Sent: 13 August 2009 11:00
To: Katy Subject: re[4]:

Yo!! I have been looking at the cocktail menu and I can't wait!!!! Boy am I gonna be drunk and poor by the end of the night!!! : ) Look at my choices:

I think I'm gonna have a 'Screaming Orgasm' with 'Matt the Rat' and boy, if that 'Caribbean Monk' gets in the way i'll show him the full force of my 'Paradise Punch'. Gonna be jamming like Bob Marley with some 'Reggae Rum' and then rock outta the bar like a 'Zombie'.

'P.S I Love You' Sweeney : ) hehe

(Am I better off going to Wimbledon main station?)

Screaming OrgasmVodka, Baileys, Almond and Coffee Liqueur with cream

Matt the Rat Spiced Rum and Triple Sec mixed with orange and citrus juices topped with lemonade.

Caribbean MonkMalibu, Dark Rum and Luxardo Almond Liqueur mixed with Cream

Paradise Punch Southern Comfort, Almond Liqueur and Vodka with orange, pineapple and citrus juices with a dash of grenadine.

Reggae Rum Dark Rum, Strawberry liqueur with lime, orange and pineapple juices.

Zombie Both light and Dark Rum, Apricot and Orange Liqueur, orange and pineapple juice with a splash of almond syrup.

P.S I Love You Havana Anejo Especial Rum, baily’s Luxardo Almond liqueur, Kahlua with cream

xxxxxxxxxxxx

From: Donna
Sent: 13 August 2009 11:20
To: Katy
Subject: re[6] haha always like to please : ) I am seriously gonna be hammered tonight!!! I can't wait!!!!!!!! Roll on half 5 and I will run sooooooo bloody fast out of this office there will be skid marks on the carpet lol : ) I can get the district line to wimbledon main station so it's all good. Wanna meet me outside bout 6.10? xxxxx

From: Katy

To: Donna Cc:

Date: Thu, 13 Aug 2009 11:20:42 +0100Subject: RE: re[6]:

You’ve got yourself a date missy…. X x

From: Donna
Sent: 13 August 2009 11:26
To: Katy
Subject: re[8]: Oh wow I'm sooooooo excited hot stuff.... wear ur bridget jones's for me baby!!!!! lol xxxxx

From: Katy
To: Donna
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 2009 11:28:37 +0100
Subject: RE: re[8]: Already checked that box love! Got a great pair of grannysweaters on for you! Sugar sugar! x

From: Donna
Sent: 13 August 2009 11:34
To: Katy
Subject: re[10]: oooooohhhhh la la sexy lady : ) I can't focus on work cos i keep thinking bout cocktails : ) xxxxx

From: Katy
To: Donna
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 2009 11:32:03 +0100
Subject: RE: re[10]:

Six and a half hours baby.. then me and you are gonna get our drink on… followed by our dance… followed by our stumble… followed by our swerve. Ohhhhh yeahhhhh…. X x

You see how stupid we are?

The morning after....

Fourth date. Ugh. Head hurting. Still taste the passionfruit cocktails. Dancing, drinking, and now suffering. Thank you and good day.

Fourth date

Facebook. Friend requests. Every so often, a name will crop up… and I will be all ‘who the hell is this?’, until I see that the mutual friends list reads like a who’s who of the first secondary school I attended, and then figure out that this is yet another person that remembers me from way back when, when I haven’t got a Scooby. There are some people that I remember, and have been excited to see pop up on my friend request list. But the majority of people have been less than vaguely familiar. Anyway, I’m rabbiting on…

One of these so people was a guy called Ian. When he first popped up, the usual routine took place… no recognition… but kind of good looking… mutual friends… ahh I see. And then one day we were both online and I got to the bottom of who this guy was. I had gone to the first school with him, but I wasn’t in the same class as him, but he remembered me and my, hadn’t I changed. Of course I’m sitting there scrambling for something similar to say, but when you really do feel like you’ve never clapped eyes on someone before in your life, it’s pretty hard to come out with ‘yeah, your hair is much longer now – erm, no it isn’t’. So I ‘fessed up and admitted that I could not remember him in the slightest, no siree. Poor bugger was slightly crestfallen, and I felt bad, so we exchanged numbers with the idea of catching up at one point or another.

So a flurry of texts later and a chance bumping into each other in a bar by my work (coincidentally I was out with an old school friend from the second school – slutting it up with the nostalgia baby) and we decided to arrange a night out. Now, being the way I am with guys, and by that I mean a bloody idiot, who has the tendency to fall over, or possibly spit food in the eye of the person I am trying to impress, this is often a daunting prospect. I just don’t do this with new people for that precise point. When a relationship fails, I am one of those sad people who just gets back in touch with an ex… they’ve seen it all, they know when I’m most likely to dribble or rip my trousers…. And hence why I am resigned to the fact that I will never settle down, just scurry between a certain few exes and be a lonely spinster with cats who shouts at children when they walk past my window…

Anyhow, we arranged a night where we would start with some drinks and then head to the cinema… a weeknight too, so that we both knew it was home for work the next morning… separately. And I arrived and I’m all hot and bothered and I’m in heels and I can’t walk, and I leave my cigarettes in the first bar, and then our umbrellas in the second bar…. And then we turn up at the cinema and its fully booked, and then we go for more drinks… and I leave the umbrellas again… and then we go to watch the film at the next viewing time… and I realise I’ve left my scarf in the bar too… and then put my foot in the popcorn when I’ve put it on the floor for a moment… and then we leave, to find my scarf under my butt the whole time. And then we go to another bar… and then we go home… and I realise I left the umbrellas in the last bar and really did just leave them this time. So can you imagine my shock when this guy turns around and says that he would like to see me again????

This time round I planned to make it a more mutual thing where his friends are out and my friends are out and at some point during the night we reconvene in the same place. That way, with my divvy lot out too, there’s less chance of me looking like the biggest fool in the place… and forgetting my head or something. Only I don’t factor into the situation that my sister may want to come out too and proceed to get bladdered and dance like a prostitute with anything within 2 ft of her. Resulting in me having to follow her around all night like a neurotic mother to ensure that she doesn’t end up hotfooting it home with a stranger.

Our third date (yes, we got to a third, even though he has met me – a fool – and my sister – a jezebel) was a lot more run of the mill – dinner in a lovely Italian. That is, until we both spotted the karaoke bar across the road. A hastily ended dinner, and several drinks later, we’ve done a duet to Summer Loving, and are singing the closing song of All That Jazz after being coaxed into it by an overly friendly gay bar man called Mike. Nice stuff. Not so nice was the hangover next morning.

So date four. Tonight I am going somewhere of which I have no clue. I have been told to wear casual clothing, no high heels (I reckon this is a pointless part of the plan – the poor bugger has seen me attempt to walk in heels for longer than an hour, its not pretty – imagine a five year old girl walking around a supermarket needing a pee) and that we will need to get drunk beforehand in order to properly enjoy it.

I would say I’m worried. I would say I’m nervous. But after the farce that has occurred on all occasions before, nothing could bother me about this date. Not even if he bought along his mum. Well maybe a little bit… I’ve never really been too good with them….

The Return

Today is the first day that I have been back to work since last Monday…. For I managed to contract the lovely swine flu virus from Bear’s boyfriend the weekend before. Oh yes, I have been infected… and quarantined… and released back into the world… although I can tell you that my colleagues today have frozen in their skins every time I’ve sneezed or coughed… quite comical to watch them twitch as I walk past….

I can tell you now I don’t know what the big hoo ha is about this swine flu. For me, no different to a bit of the good old common-as-you-like flu virus. What was the killer was the bloody Tamiflu tablets! Made me sick as a parrot when I first started taking them and then, I think, just to leave their impression, again on Saturday while trying to navigate the aisles of Sainsbury’s. I didn’t know whether I was going to reach the conveyor belt before throwing up on the chickpeas and dried lentils… but I made it by the skin of my teeth.

So yes, back to work after having four extra days off. I honestly thought that that was going to be the major perk of the swine fluiness… but I didn’t realise just how boring my house is. After two days of sitting in with no one to entertain me, and the usual plethora of utter crap to indulge in on the tellybox, I couldn’t bear to be in my house anymore! Sad, but true, after two days of minimum human contact (one of my less intelligent friends actually put the phone down upon the hearing the revelation that I was ill) I actually missed my workplace.

Now let me tell you about my workplace. I won’t reveal where I work, or what company, and I’m probably not going to mention much about the industry either, as you never know who may read this and one day I may be really giving it a crack on with slagging off the boss… and then the next thing you know I’m homeless and begging for change for the internet café… I work for a rather large company that is familiar to people mainly in London but with branches across England. I work for a particular division of the company, and I am based in the company head office. Still vague? Good.

The office team is made up of 4 secretaries (including myself), 2 typists, 5 permanent ‘head honchos’ shall we call them, and then a couple of consultant ‘head honchos’. Then we have the big boss lady. That’s about it. Now us ladies get on well, and we generally wipe the arses of the ‘head honchos’ as they are all men, and that basically sums up my workplace. And this is what I got to missing…. Bad times.

So now I’m back… I’d really quite like to be sitting on my sofa watching some sort of Jeremy Kyle Sally Jesse rubbish… but isn’t that always the way?

In the beginning...

Wow... My first post... Probably not a good idea to start this up when there's only 20 minutes of the work day left... and I sure as shit don't want to be staying any longer... but at least I now have a way of frivolously wasting the hours at work...

Excited....