(480): So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.

So last night I did something completely new.

I bought a chlamydia home test kit.

Now woah there with the thought process that you are going through. It was not for me. Allow me to explain before you start thinking I'm some sort of hobo whore.

I have a friend called Dee. Dee is a special character. Dee is the kind of friend that you try to tell people stories about, and they look at you as if to say lay off the LSD. Dee is 30 years old and can quite often be described as the most infuriating man I know. I would go so far as to say that he is more like a brother to me, only the most annoying brother in the world that I am constantly trying to distance myself from but can't for love nor money. I do love him but the man thinks with his mangarden and even that doesn't really operate with the best of intelligence.

So there is this girl that he has recently had the funky dance with, and prior to him commencing with such an action I had tried to warn him off her. Our group is quite large, and everybody tends to know everybody and this particular girl is a friend of a friend whose sister is their friend... etc etc, so there was some knowledge about her sexual exploits that was being thrown around between the gossipers of the group. But Dee being Dee, who has never taken a single piece of advice I have given him over the past 5 years I have known him decides to ignore me and take a ride on the ship of love.

And then I get a call yesterday from somebody who got a call from somebody who spoke to somebody who knew that the girl had gone to the STD clinic today to get a check up because 'you know... it was kind of kooky down there...'.

So of course it became my job to tell the complete arse that is Dee this splendid news. The convo:

Me: Dude, got some news to tell you.

Dee: Yeah?

Me: You remember those conversations we have, where I try to tell you I'm right and you are an arse?

Dee: Vaguely.

Me: You know... the ones where I try to tell you not to do something so utterly stupid your own mum will think you're a buttfuck? And then you completely ignore me, and in three months I tell you I told you so...?

Dee: Sounds familiar.

Me: Well I told you so. I told you not to go near ********, that she was possibly a petri dish of various illnesses and diseases, some of which we thought died out with the dinosaurs. And guess what... she paid a little visit to the Vag Village today to check herself out cause, dude, she has symptoms.

Dee:....... (Silence).... Fuck.

Me: So you need to go get checked out. And you can't say anything to her about you knowing because you're not supposed to know. She's trying to keep it on the quiet.

Dee: Fuck. What a slut. So you're telling me that I can't say anything to her, and that I should just sit here waiting for my dick to drop off? Fuck man... I only stopped taking the pills like a month ago.

Me: Dude, who's the slut?!

So somehow or another it transpires that he doesn't have the time to get to a clinic to check himself out, as he is so busy at work (even with the weighing up of the importance of balls and schlong or bills and stacks I tried to throw at him), which resulted in me being roped into meeting him after work so that he could go to the local pharmacy to pick up one of those 'check at home' kits. Sometimes I wonder how I manage to get into these 'help a brother out' situations...

So I meet him, and we drive to the pharamacy. And he tries to say 'okay dude, I'll be right here when you get out'. Hold on, you get the fun of the act, the orgasm at the end, and I, who was not present, not even for a minute to help you undo your trousers gets to do the shuffle of shame to the counter, head down, nil eye contact...? Nu uh.

He gets out of the car and we approach the doors. Silence between us. Our mission weighs heavy on our hearts. Questions tumble through the mind... who will pick it up? What till will we go to? Which one will get 'the glance'? Will they assume we are both just skanks?

We enter. The store is fucking huge, so five minutes of us trying to find the location of The Thing That We Are Buying That Must Never Be Mentioned takes place. Fuck going to somebody and saying 'hi miss, we're looking for the STD tests... you know just for shits and giggles... which ways...?'.

We find them. There are two different ones. The dilemma... do we go for the trusted name brand one, or the own store brand one... sometimes it really does matter. Which box is going to be easiest to conceal until bagged and fleeing from the shop? We grab and run.

We approach the counter. For some strange reason, Dee so far has had zero contact with TTTWABTMNBM, and so it is stashed as deep into the crevice of my armpit as I can get it. Which has unexpectedly attracted the attention of the security guard of the store who is now hovering around like a fox eyeing up a binbag. We stand, and wait, while other oblivious people idle by. I break out into a sweat. I glance at Dee for some reassurance, for some sign that we are still cool, that nobody knows that we are buying the piss stick for a dick doc, to catch him following a woman's arse with his eyes as she saunters past. For him to open his mouth and actually say 'hey sugar....'.

Me: Dude, what the fuck. Do you really think you are in any position to be trying to catch the eye of the ladies right now?

Dee: What? Don't hate on me just cause you've got chlamydia and can't do the same at the mo....

Oh dear sweet jesus. I lost the power to speak. As various heads spun round faster than a racing car's wheels, my face burst into a wonderful shade of purple. I threw the box at the cashier, paid for the damn thing (as Dee had conveniently left his wallet in the car), only to be handed it back in a bag that the chemist had very politely added a condom to.

As my sweet lardy arse made a swift exit towards the door, saying hideously bad things under my breath about Dee while trying to force him to take the bag, he proceeded to then chase me out of the doors screaming 'bitch, you better not come home til it's cleared up! YEAH!'

I still haven't recovered, and I hope to fuck Dee's dick drops off....