Ten things you need to know about me...

1. I have completely sworn off men, at least for the foreseeable future. That is not to say that I don't love men. No siree, they have their uses. I happen to know many a man who is a dab hand at removing spiders, putting up shelves, fixing my pipes (ahem), but I am much more in love with the idea that you can kick them out afterwards, or at least fondly wish them farewell.

2. I have often wondered what life would be like if I were a man... I think I would like this for a day. I would like to scratch my balls, fart indiscriminately and give a lady a cheesy come on only to be knocked back, I think these things would make me grateful I am a woman.

3. I much prefer the company of my cat to my mum. She sucks. My cat, on the other hand is a feline legend. And based on my lifestyle these days I believe I may be on the path to Crazy Cat Lady Syndrome. I know this because even though my cat has just hopped up onto the keyboard and stared at the screen with a small lump of poo still attached to her anus, I still think my cat is the shit. Pun intended. On the other hand if my mum did the same I'd think she was a crazy bastard, who needed toilet training.

4. I suffer from insomnia, when I'm not drunk and when I have to sleep on my own, and that makes me one mean son of a gun in the morning. My cat retreats... my neighbours don't say hello, and my workmates tell me I need to get laid. On the other hand, I can be remarkably jolly after a good night's sleep. No, seriously, sometimes I break out into song after a good 8 hours...

5. I have seven brothers and sisters, and I am the eldest of us 8. That makes me a surrogate mother, the children bastards, and my mother a rampant old woman.

6. I am soon to be 23 years old. The thought horrifies me almost as much as my recurring dream of getting to work and finding out I have no clothes on from the waist down.... I have discussed this dream with my colleagues, and it was hard to tell who was most horrified...

7. I do not want children. At least none that have to be pulled from MY vagina. The gene pool from whence I came is lacking in most characteristics, and I'd really rather not pass any of these on. Plus I quite like my ladygarden the way it is thank you very much.

8. I get incredibly panicky when having to face some of my phobias:
- Wet Tissue. This make using public toilets very difficult.
- Biting into an apple. This makes eating apple pie very difficult.
- Wet leaves/mush after people have smooshed them all up. This makes walking to work in Autumn very difficult.

9. There are certain romantic gestures that do not go down well with me. Sending flowers to my work after a first date, when I never told you where I work, is not going to send the right vibes dude. My panic alarm is at the ready.

10. I snore when i'm drunk, I drink too much, I eat a lot, I have fat bits and flat bits and they're in the wrong places, and you take me as I am or don't take me at all.

Now form an orderly queue please.