(646): I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9

This is what I did today....



From: Katy To: Daniel
The applicant has failed to respond so I am cancelling any further chasing.
Kind regards
Katy

From: Daniel To: Katy
Lazy.

From: Katy To: Daniel
Well that is gratitude for you! ;-)

From: Daniel To: Katy
Love you really. Sorry I didn’t reply yesterday, things started to go manic.
Looking at your social schedule makes me feel like an old man at the age of 23.

From: Katy To: Daniel
No problem… wish there was some mania around here… actually I command you to refer everybody that walks through your door to us from now on!
And you are 23 too? Good age to be so I’m told… Only 5 days left of being younger… ugh.

From: Daniel To: Katy
Maybe you should ‘represent’ us young ‘uns and get some pulses racing in the office. Any ideas?
You command me huh? I’ve got to be the highest referrer of surveys by now in brokers. What gives you the right to command me huh :p

From: Katy To: Daniel
Lol why do I have to do the representing? You are the one with the *pervy bows* so I think you would be much better at it!
And unfortunately Mr Craig you are slightly trailing when it comes to referees… indeed it is not your referrals that make you my favourite… but your quick wit and humour! And as you are my favourite, surely that gives me some leeway with the commanding….

From: Daniel To: Katy
Because you’re a closet perve and you know it that’s why :p
I’m trailing??? I swear I send over at least 4-5 per month, what’s everybody else doing?? I like the fact that I’m your favourite though, does that mean I get extra cash for each referral?
In terms of the commanding, let’s test to see if it works. You command me to do something and if I do it we’ll accept your dominance, if not then it will show you are weak…so weak…

From: Katy To: Daniel
Closet perve?! What on earth would give you that impression! I am nothing but an upstanding and valuable member of society… nothing smutty here in the slightest… ahem…
And others have dwarfed your valiant efforts Mr Craig… And unfortunately you would have to rub by boss up the right way to get more spondooleys for your efforts… not me…
And my command…. I shall have to think of something great for this…. And there is nothing weak about me my boy! I eat my spinach!

From: Daniel To: Katy
That’s annoyed me, I don’t like losing, what has everybody else done? How many do I need to do to get in the top three?
I’m not sure what your boss looks like so I’ll probably leave all rubbing out of the equation. But strength in numbers etc etc.
I’m liking this Mr Craig stuff as well, it’s nice to see with the commanding you’re already becoming subservient :p
Finalmont, I’ve not met many people who like spinach. So you’ve just gained 100 cool points. Give yourself a pat on the back

From: Katy To: Daniel
Well I can tell you in the scale of Funky Financial Advisers Referrals… you are…. 6th…. With a difference of 15 more referrals between you and the big bad broker at the top… however that does make you 6th out of 16… so a small pat on the back is in order…
My boss is a woman… does that help?
And with regards to being subservient… I have decided to change your name to Daniel the Spaniel in order to display my total lack of disobedience… mwa ha ha…
And spinach is probably the only thing I like to eat that is in any way unpopular… one can be a picky eater…
And with regards to my command… can I make it an ‘I bet you can’t…’ cause they are so much more fun?

From: Daniel To: Katy
As long as it’s not an “I bet you can’t refer more than ‘x’ people to me” then go for it.
6 out of 16 is average but 15 more referrals is not too far away, only 1.5 extra per month needed then really, I imagine that’s Noe or Lisa? However that’s also good I should get in the top 3 next year then.
Re Daniel the Spaniel, I’m going to have to call you Shady Katy (works if you say it in American accent).
One can be a picky eater can one? One was actually of the vegetarian variety for five years however one has, forthwith and with great haste, amended said dietary requirements to include substances of the more carnivorous variety.

From: Katy To: Daniel
Okay… *rubs hands with glee*
I bet you can’t… rotate your right hand clockwise while rotating your right ankle anti-clockwise…. Do it….
And Noe and Lisa? One is above you and one is below you… so that should make you happier…
Shady Katy… quite apt…
And vegetarian… a preposterous idea for me as one only eats vegetables and is not a fan of fruit or salads… or much meat to be honest… yeah… I have quite a crappy diet….

From: Daniel To: Katy
I can do it, just, if I concentrate, but now I look like I’ve got downs…
You just said you only eat vegetables and don’t have much meat or fruit or salds. Wouldn’t that MAKE you a vegetarian??

From: Katy To: Daniel
You cannot do it! It is a physical impossibility! I would need videographic evidence of such an action taking place, and seeing as you cannot provide that I take that as a victory… and I have proven that you can’t do something I commanded you to do, which in a roundabout way manages to convince me (probably not others) that I am indeed commanding… yes…. (A fine example of the inner workings of my spasticated head)
And I don’t think I qualify as a vegetarian… as I am quite keen on bacon. And chicken. And I have recently found out I like duck. I’m pretty much a junk-food-arian… I may copyright that phrase…
And what else do you enjoy Daniel the spaniel? Apart from sexing vegetables and looking like a plum by trying out tasks commanded to you by short, badly-eating women?

From: Daniel To: Katy
Actually, if we’re talking technicalities, you didn’t command me to do anything. In fact, you bet me that I couldn’t do something, which I did, but then, like the referee of the Ireland v France match last night, you incredulously claimed that because you couldn’t see it, it couldn’t have happened. Shame on you Shady.
Actually as you don’t eat much (or at least you only eat junk) should I start calling you Slim Shady? Do you possess a chainsaw? I used to love junk food but then when I did go veggie it made me change, now I’m pretty healthy really.
PS - http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&safe=off&q=%22junkfoodarian%22&meta=&aq=f&oq too late 5 people got to it before you did :p
What else do I enjoy? Well sexing vegetables has to be pretty high up on the list to be honest with you, it’s something about the way they come out of the ground dirty…
But outside of my orthorexia nervosa (damn I’m good) what do I do? Well I play guitar and piano (neither very well) so that takes up quite a bit of my time, I run a (currently unsuccessful) business with a friend designing blackberry applications and I try to travel quite a lot. I’m a bit of a book nerd so I love to read anything from Steven King to some deep philosophy like Hesse and psychology like Jung.
Oh and films, I LOVE films. Especially weird ones. I’m odd, in case you hadn’t noticed. I thought you were good in 8 Mile.
What other ventures have you got set up at the moment?

From: Katy To: Daniel
I draw your attention to the Sweeney Thesaurus Ltd Edition…
Bet = Command. Fact.
And match?!? What is this you speak of? I am a lady, therefore I know not of this… match….?
And Slim Shady…. Hmm… I used to look like a bit of a lollipop… all head and stick thin body, so it would have been appropriate back then… unfortunately these days my metabolism is rapidly slowing.. so I’ve filled out a bit… not too much though… how about Slightly Slim Shady… much more fitting… pardon the pun… Unfortunately I don’t possess a chainsaw… but I have a pink toolkit… does that qualify?
And damn those five people… do you think it may work the same a royalty… if I bump those off, will I inherit the title of junk-food-arian originator?
And you sound like a dirty root veg kind of guy… or are you more for the runner bean bonking?
Orthorexia nervosa can easily be cured with a Big Mac… I’ll be sure to treat you to one when you’re in town…
Musically talented/challenged… entrepreneur… cultured… intellectual… Sound like a bit of a ledge Mr Craig (you get the title back on this one occasion for namedropping King… 100 cool points right back at you!
Major fan of the films too… more than likely because of my unhealthy obsession with popcorn (tried to look for a medical term, appears there is none… new copyright on the horizon)…
So how does quite a clever chap like yourself become so clever hailing from Kennington… or am I wrong to assume that you must travel from far afield in order to reach your place of work? Used to live in Oval for a period myself and can’t say I was overly impressed with the majority of fellow residents… bit of a catchment area for vagrants from my experience… was probably a bit hobolicious back in my teenage days too… so probably fitted right in!

From: Daniel To: Katy
I draw your attention to the fact that the name Sweeney has Scottish origins and as such, must be steeped in lies and treachery (having half of my family from Scotland I can attest to this).
This leads me to believe that the Sweeney Thesaurus Ltd Edition is actually full of lies and therefore, your so-called ‘fact’ is nothing but preposterous hoohar.
The match was a stormer, but Ireland got robbed by a blatant handball. Hence why I was alluding to the fact that you may be a closet referee, as well as a closet molester.
A pink toolkit is far scarier than a chainsaw, at least with a chainsaw you know where you stand, whereas with a pink toolkit you don’t know if you’ll be smashed to bits with a hammer or plucked to beauty by tweezers. Those five people should be quaking in their gothic cyberboot platforms.
Ah dirty root, good pun on the Australian slang if that’s what you were aiming for, but I’d say I’m more of a salt man. I go with any dish and can make the most dull of meals turn into a veritable taste explosion, or I can be used very subtly, when the mood fits.
“Musically talented/challenged… entrepreneur… cultured… intellectual” All words which I don’t understand.
This of course means there must be some chink in my armour and that would be general facial looks I’m afraid. I am also a shorty at 5’ 8”. Last year the government changed the national average height from 5’ 8” to 5’ 8.5”.
Needless to say I wrote an angry letter to Gordon Brown but it didn’t get very far as I couldn’t reach high enough to put it through the slot in the post box…
I have a King obsession, it’s not healthy, I have about 50 of his books, which is at least 85% of the entire thing. Any faves
Finally (as this email is becoming far too long) I actually grew up in Bognor Regis which is a dump, but moved to London by myself at the whippersnapper age of 17. I lived in Fulham (poncy) then Chiswick (awesome) then Canary Wharf (dump) and now I live right next door to Battersea Park (which is faaakin laaavly, specially with a clear sky at 1am in the morning if you wander through it and stare at the stars).
Anyway what’s your excuse? You work for **** and I thought a prerequisite was that to work for **** you had to be boring, stupid or full of yourself. You seem to be none of them…

From: Katy To: Daniel
I draw your attention to the fact that that was one of the longest emails I have ever received! And I don’t like to be outdone so I am going to go at this one with gusto…
Sweeney may have Scottish origins, but mine in fact are Irish… which is slightly Irish in nature in itself do you not think? And to tarnish a whole nation with a complete stereotype… steeped in lies and treachery… well that’s just wrong. I would say that Scots are usually ginger, toothless and unemployed…. Usually but not all. You see.. no general sweeping of the tarnish brush here for me.
The Sweeney Thesaurus Ltd Edition takes offence to your slanderous comments, and would like to reiterate to you that you are named after an actor… who as a line of work acts like a bit of a twat by playing with fake gadgets whilst wearing tight swimming trunks… we should not be basing assumptions on names… or should we?
And I am glad that you fear the pink toolkit… most people just mock. As least whilst hanging shelves* I can look fashionable and styled.
Loving the food analogy there.. you already know the way to Miss Plump McPlumpison’s heart over here…
Quite humorous aren’t we Mr Craig… how’s about alright with a guitar thingy, likes to thing of crap first, likes a curry, geek… better?
And don’t beat yourself up your looks… The ugly stick did that for you! (Mwa ha ha) Completely joking… bet you’re a closet stud muffin.
Stephen King is a ledge… The Green Mile… I bought it when I was about ten… and I’ve loved it ever since…
And Bognor Regis, what a place. Particularly like the delightful arcades down there, they have a certain je ne sais quoi about them that you just don’t find in Brighton… Basically grew up in Battersea Park too. I have actually been for a swim in the delightful boating lake, and not by choice either. Its not so nice. Have you found the secret garden-esque garden area thingy up by where cricket is played yet? Bloody lovely in the summer…
And these characteristics that you claim are much needed in order to work for this delightful company of ours? You don’t seem to be in possession of any of them either, so how did you end up here? My own story is a rather complicated one. Started a law degree many moons ago, and upon realisation that as an independent student I was NEVER going to be able to afford to carry on I gave up and gave in to becoming a slave labourer… or a secretary.

*Hanging shelves should be read as handing the hammer to some poor bloke friend who I have dragged round to mine to help…

From: Daniel To: Katy
I’ll wind up the length then and keep it short and sweet (like Kim Jong Il)
I’m half Irish too, you’re even more scheming. So that was a fail.
Daniel Craig has nothing on me. His blue trunk wading, chiselled body gleaming, suave smiling personage has nothing on my belly scratching, boxer clad, financial servicing wonder ways.
I like the version of me you gave below far better, that’s far more accurate and I can grin at that one.
Ah the arcades of Bognor. Many a Saturday was spent on trips to Macdonald’s followed by £2 in the Time Crisis Machine on the pier. Crazy golf was a particular fave of mine. That’s where Bognor stops and the pikeys start though.
Sounds like you’ve had to do things off your own back as well, I moved up here to get involved in film, ha.
We’ll have to meet some time, but make sure you wear sturdy shoes otherwise you’ll cut and slice your feet on all the shattered dreams…

From: Katy To: Daniel
Yes but I bet your half Irish hasn’t got anything on my Irish Jamaican speaking dad… uh huh, I’m ghetto bruv.
And there’s nothing better than a belly scratching boxer clad financial adviser to get a girl all hot and bothered!
And I’ve pretty much been on my own since about 13, so I blates win that one! *blows raspberries*
And speaking of meeting I have just been unceremoniously informed that my attendance at this godawful Christmas bash that the company is hosting is mandatory… so I command you to do the same! At least we can both sit in a corner somewhere and discuss the finer points of King’s prose whilst laughing at the losers on the dancefloor skanking out to 80s music…. Ahem.

Got to say it made the afternoon pass oh so quickly... I see drunken escapades at the company Crimbo shindig... could be fun!