So my foster sister Megan gave birth today.
After seventeen hours of labour, only gas and air, a tear here or there and copious amounts of screaming at her boyfriend she gave birth to Miss Amelia Grace today at 5.45pm. A bundle 0f dark hair on her head and a pretty tired mum.
This has got me to thinking. I am so far away from any sort of procreation that the only last step away is lesbianism. I am also two years older than her.
Is this a bad thing? I grew up in a house where the normal thing to do was to get pregnant. My grandmother was married at 16, had my mum at 17, and my uncle at 18. Mu mum was 19 when she had me and has quickly followed this up by literally farting kids out at a rapid rate. I am looked upon by these people as being literally past it at the age of 23.
Don't get me wrong, I have a super maternal instinct. You'll find me mothering almost everyone within sight, and if i hold a baby I can literally feel my ovaries screaming. In some of my more crazier moments, when I have had a scare with an ex, I have also actually held onto that pregnancy test and tried with the power of the mind to create a second line. But that has never happened, and boy am I glad that it hasn't.
Because as much as I get those pangs, those feelings when my stomach seems to itch with wanting to feel a kick, that thought is pretty quickly replaced with the absolute fear of it all. I don't know what I'm more scared of; the pain, the changes to my body, the changes to my life or the expectations and responsibilities that come with it.
I have a relatively high pain threshold, but so does my sister. Knowing that she is screaming to be put to sleep during her pregnancy does not bode well. And even though all mothers proclaim to instantly forget this and go on to have more! This is confusing for my little weary brain.
My body no longer is my own. The alien feeling of having something inside moving is just something I cannot comprehend, and don't know if I would be able to cope with. That and the constant interference needed by doctors; check ups and prodding and poking... its all so much.
My life is not one that I could bring a child into. My life is constantly full of ups and downs, and is sometimes utterly chaotic. I know that this is obviously a sign of not being ready for one, but I can't ever see this changing. There are too many people here now that rely on me and I pretty much have a heavy load of responsibility, what with seven younger siblings with a set of completely dysfunctional and often degenerate parents. I have a two year old brother, and trust me, he is going to need me over the next 16 years.
A lot of people tell me that I shouldn't do so much for my brothers and sisters, as often it is done without a touch of gratitude. Uprooting yourself and renting a two bed apartment just so that your sister has somewhere to call home takes a lot to do, and when she ups and leaves a couple of months later because she doesn't want to do the washing up kind of leaves you wondering whether it is worth it. But how do you explain to people who haven't lived in that environment that you know how much it would have meant to know that there was just one person you could turn to know matter what? Being a parent is often a thankless task, at least when your kids are children, so why should I expect any different from them? The main thing is that they may abuse it, but they know that there is somebody somewhere...
And when I do get to that stage, my biggest fear is what if I cock it up? I have no excuses, because it has been demonstrated to me for 23 years how not to do it. But I am so shit scared of turning out just like her. And for that, I just wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I know that parenting doesn't come with a handbook, and no one has the perfect parents, but I know that I want to be as close to that as possible. The only question for that is whether i ever will be.
Until then, I'll congratulate Megan and guess I'll just stick to being Aunty Katy... at least I don't have to do the shitty nappies, right?
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I think with your mindset, you will be a great mom. Though I understand where you're coming from. By 25, my mom and all my aunts had AT LEAST one kid, some had two, most had 3. And I'm *gasp* single. Woops. The time will come. And if it doesn't, those siblings of yours will fully appreciate all you do. They may not say it or realize it now, but it doesn't go unnoticed.
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